i said goodbye to maize yesterday
after a year of watching him speedrun homelessness, he told me that he finally accepted his family's offer of help.
i felt immense relief, mostly for selfish reasons.
he also told me that he got arrested and fined $5000 for trying to kill himself on the train tracks last week. grim, but after multiple attempts, not very shocking. i don't think i'll ever be able to forget the smell of his blood, pooling into tiny rivers between bathroom tiles.
i've long braced myself for the seeming inevitability of his early death, the daily possibility of receiving the phone call while doing something completely mundane, like washing the dishes, or browsing imageboards, or whatever fucking stupid shit i do all day. or worse, the possibility of not hearing anything at all, anxiety mounting with each day of no contact, eventually having to make phone calls to family members, hospitals, police stations. and then i feel guilty for even having these thoughts, as if my anxiety and dread takes precedence over my friend's life.
and then i feel guilty for feeling guilty, as if my guilt absolves me of selfishness.
and then i think about how, practically speaking, fining a suicidal person $5000 would probably only drive them closer to suicide.
-
we drank beer in my apartment and then walked to the lesbian bar to drink more beer. maize bought me two gin and tonics. we played pool - i lost - i always lose (lowkey hate pool but all of my friends seem to like it, so i will begrudgingly hit ball with stick). we sat back down, talked about:
- panic at the disco
- music theory
- whether we've ever had sex with a really fat person
at some point maize looked around and said, "is this really a lesbian bar?"
"of course, don't you see the sign?" i responded, pointing to the sign - in large red neon letters: LESBIANS.
"oh, right"
we finished our drinks, and maize walked me home, and we hugged, said our goodbyes and i love you's and i'll miss you's. it had been a while since we hugged, it felt nice. i watched him walk off into the night, and i went upstairs, a little more drunk than i wanted to be.
goodbye, my sweet friend. i hope to see you again, happier, healthier.