i wish i were a bug or a rock or a leaf i am sick of being a person inhabiting a human form i am stuck in a loop of suffering and suffering and suffering and any small joy is marred by this existential stink i cannot shake and everyone can tell i am tortured i was tortured i was so small i was your toy to play with and abuse i got so used to hurting now i hurt all the time my acupuncturist compared my back to a damp carpet in a moldy basement like the one i grew up and died in after years in that place shut behind doors locked outside without clothes bare feet in the snow so cold two hot wet cheeks pressed against linen now i cry all the time i cannot stop after ten years in treatment they said the wound would heal but i’m still gazing into the same fucking hole, the navel one, circling the drain, a dead entry, how far can i fall with nothing to catch me?
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡀⣤⢤⡤⣤⠤⣔⡲⡔⢦⣒⠦⡤⢄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣶⢻⢥⣛⡜⢮⣼⢲⣙⢦⢳⡹⢲⡍⣞⡱⢫⡜⣝⡢⢤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣶⣿⡿⢣⣿⢾⡱⢮⣽⢧⢣⢏⣾⢣⡝⣣⠞⣥⢏⣳⢚⣬⠳⣍⠶⣩⠦⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⡿⣫⣾⣽⣿⠟⡦⢽⣾⣏⢮⡓⢮⢞⡗⣮⢱⡛⢦⣋⣖⢫⠖⡽⢬⡓⢧⡛⡼⣡⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⠁⠀⠈⡐⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⡿⣱⣿⣿⣿⢏⡞⣭⣿⣿⢚⢦⣋⠗⣮⣿⣜⡣⣝⢣⡳⢬⡳⣋⢾⡥⢫⠧⣝⢲⢣⡝⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠂⠀⢠⠀⠀⠀⠃⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⡿⣱⡿⣿⣿⡟⡼⣘⣾⣿⣯⡙⣶⡏⡞⢦⠽⣧⣓⢎⡧⣝⢣⡳⠽⣞⢯⢣⣛⡬⣓⢯⡜⡜⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⣳⣿⣿⣎⡻⣸⡱⢻⡟⠁⡧⡝⡏⣷⣙⢮⣙⣿⣎⡷⢞⡬⢧⣙⢧⣋⢿⣷⡘⠶⣍⠾⣝⡼⡸⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⢀⡄⠀⠀⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠁⠀⣾⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⢣⢎⡺⠋⠀⠇⡷⣙⢃⢺⡱⢎⡞⡼⣧⣳⠈⢺⡱⢎⡶⣩⠶⣹⡭⣛⢬⡛⣼⠶⣹⢹⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⢀⠂⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⠀⠀⠀⡀⠀⠀⠘⣰⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⠻⣿⡟⡜⢮⠋⠀⠀⠈⡷⣹⠀⢀⢏⠷⣸⡱⢿⣏⡀⠀⠹⣇⡞⣥⢛⡴⣏⠳⣎⡵⢎⣷⢣⢧⢣⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠁⠀⠀⢃⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⡙⠭⡇⠀⠁⠄⠀⢱⣹⠀⠀⠨⣯⠵⣩⢛⣯⡇⠀⠀⠙⢜⠶⣩⠶⣩⢗⡣⢞⣱⢚⡧⡞⣭⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⡃⠀⠀⡤⠀⠀⠀⢇⠀⠀⠀⠈⣿⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⠜⡕⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠂⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠻⡥⣋⢿⡅⢠⠠⠂⠈⢛⠦⣏⠵⣪⠝⣮⣱⢋⣷⣙⠖⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠸⠂⠀⠀⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⢼⣿⣿⣾⣿⣿⣿⡞⡇⠀⠀⢀⣀⣤⣄⠸⡌⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⢭⢖⣇⠀⣀⣠⣀⡈⠳⣎⢻⡥⣛⣼⡣⢏⣼⣹⡞⣱⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠐⠰⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡿⠀⢠⣾⠟⢋⣭⣟⣆⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢼⢰⣟⣯⣛⠻⢷⣽⣙⡶⢣⣾⣏⠳⣼⡇⣟⡴⢫⢦⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠁⠀⠉⠿⠿⢿⣿⣻⣿⡇⠀⡿⠁⢠⣿⣽⣤⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣧⣧⠈⣿⠙⣽⢣⣿⣿⡳⣜⠯⣵⢺⡟⠚⢵⢠⡀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠃⢀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿⣷⠀⠘⠅⢸⣿⣿⢿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢺⣿⣿⣿⡿⠀⠏⠰⣹⢾⡟⢿⣿⣎⡟⡼⣇⢿⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉
⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⢀⢀⠐⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⡿⣸⢻⣧⠀⠀⠂⡣⣦⠾⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠾⠴⠾⠁⠀⠀⠀⡝⣾⢭⢻⣿⡜⣣⣝⡷⣊⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠀⠐⠁⠰⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⡱⢣⢏⡞⣣⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡟⡧⢎⡳⣿⠼⡱⢎⡷⣩⢶⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣷⢭⡓⡞⡼⣕⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡟⣗⡫⣕⣻⢭⠳⣭⣿⣱⢺⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿⣷⣯⣼⣵⢎⢷⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣵⣿⣇⡗⣎⢾⣍⠳⣖⣿⡧⢻⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⢢⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣞⣢⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠔⠀⠐⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣾⣿⣿⡗⡼⣊⢶⢪⢽⣞⣿⣓⣻⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠣⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⣹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣟⣿⣱⠳⣍⢮⡓⢾⣿⡿⣒⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⢠⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡀⢀⠀⠔⠁⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⣀⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⢀⣴⣶⣿⣿⡿⣿⣿⣿⢔⡻⣜⢲⡙⢾⠟⢧⣹⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠸⣿⡇⠤⠭⠀⠀⠁⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣮⠒⢁⠀⠄⠀⢠⠐⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⢿⡿⠁⣿⣿⣏⠮⣕⢎⢧⡻⡏⠀⢮⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⡀⠐⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠐⠤⠀⠁⠀⠀⠱⠈⣿⣿⡟⠁⠀⣹⣿⢥⡛⡜⣎⢾⢳⠀⠀⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⠀⠣⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⣈⠔⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⣦⠀⣿⡟⢦⣹⠕⠁⣸⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⡀⠀⠈⠠⢀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⣠⣆⠥⡀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣤⠛⠊⠀⠀⠀⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣷⡀⠀⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣆⠏⡖⡡⢯⡢⡌⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣿⣶⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⡼⡁⣿⡄⣷⡹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠐⣻⠐⣿⣿⡌⢷⡘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢨⡇⠎⡿⡿⣗⢨⢁⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠻⠟⠿⠟⠿⠟⠿⠿⠻⠿⠟⠿⠿⠻⠿⠟⠿⠿⠇⠘⠤⠇⠏⠜⠆⠣⠿⠻⠟⠿⠻⠟⠿⠻⠟⠿⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀